What are you Looking for in Your Relationship?
Sometimes you may look at your marriage and think, “This is not what I signed up for.” I was expecting her to cook dinner every night. He would take long walks with me. We would go out more. We would stay at home more. We would have people over every weekend. We would take mini vacations every weekend. He would help me around the house. She wouldn’t mind my friends coming over every game night. We would spend holidays with my family. We would make our own traditions. I was expecting that he would (fill in the blank). I was hoping she would (fill in the blank). And the list could go on and on.
Expectations are things you are looking for, things you are hoping will happen, things you are anticipating will come to pass, or looking for something to happen a certain way, and if it doesn’t, you are disappointed. Everyone has expectations, and they likely vary from person to person because we are all different and have had different life experiences. There is nothing wrong with expectations. They give us something to look forward to.
Not having your expectation met can cause frustration. If you are irritated because an expectation has not been met, you may need to evaluate the situation. Here are four things to ask yourself:
First, have you discussed the expectation with your spouse? Are you expecting them to do something that you have not verbalized, and they don’t even know that it is a need or want in your life? Your expectations must be discussed with your spouse. Their opinion does matter, especially when the expectation involves them.
Second, is your expectation realistic? Your expectation may seem perfectly doable and valid to you, but another person could see it from a totally different perspective. When your expectations are unrealistic, it gets you into trouble because it leads you to start questioning your decisions, yourself, and whether your spouse truly cares for you. I am not talking about a long grocery list of things because you are not trying to get your spouse to comply with your every wish and command.
One of my expectations was simple, I thought. I’m so glad my husband thought so, too. I expected that when we went on vacation, we would clean the house before we left. I thought this was something simple, and I’m so glad my husband thought the same. I didn’t want to come home to a dirty house, a pile of laundry, a pile of dishes, or vacuuming to do. Who wants to start working right when they step in the door after being on vacation? Not me. Even when I have gone on vacations with girlfriends, my husband has the house spit-shined when I come home, and I love it! He knows that it is important to me, and I really appreciate it.
Third, why is the expectation important? Understanding brings clarity to a situation. Mind-reading is never good because most of the time, we are wrong. We may think we know something, but if it involves another person, ask them because they likely know why they need it. Asking them may cause you to view the situation from a different perspective. Listen to understand.
Fourth, has the expectation changed? If a person can no longer meet the expectation, they should talk to their partner and explain why it is no longer feasible. If you used to cook every day but now your work hours have changed, and you don’t get home until much later, the expectations may need to be readjusted. You now need to devise an alternative plan for meals. There are lots of options. You could order takeout, go to a restaurant, pick something up on the way home, throw something in the crockpot before you leave, or prep meals for the week. Additionally, if you no longer wish for something to be done that you previously requested, please inform your partner. These four things are a good starting point for evaluating your expectations.
Negotiate your expectations. Make expectations a win/win in your relationship. Some may be feasible, while others may be unrealistic. Ensure that both parties benefit from the arrangement. It is unrealistic that one person gets everything they want and the other person gets nothing. Be open to meeting some of your partner’s important wants and needs.
What you are getting in your relationship now may not be what you signed up for; however, did you ever think that your spouse is thinking the same thing? Ensure that you communicate openly and honestly with one another about your likes, dislikes, wants, and needs.
It’s easy to focus on what you expect from your spouse, but what expectations do you hold for yourself in the relationship? Beyond what you “signed up for,” consider the standards you set for showing love, offering respect, providing care, and consistently giving your best to your partner.